I recently spent the day at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, wandering around some cool exhibits with my friend's kinds while she had a meeting in another part of the museum. It was actually pretty easy since we used her double stroller and my toddler conveniently fit inside with the other two. For the Prehistoric Journey, I put the baby in a carrier on my back and held the toddlers' hands (ages 1.5 and 3). That was probably the most difficult bit, and it wasn't very difficult. Most of the time, they were chilling in the stroller, content and quiet and eating snacks and talking about animals.
I felt incredulous that in literally every exhibit, some older person felt the need to tell me I had my hands full. I did not have my hands full. Literally, figuratively, whatever, I just didn't. Since then, I've mentioned this story to other mothers with multiple children and they say this is just the normal thing for strangers to say.
I am so confused why this is the normal comment. You have your hands full? I can't even tell if it's a respectful compliment or a bit of schadenfreude from someone who doesn't have kids.
First, let me say, it's not a very nice comment. It felt like people were saying I had too many kids with me to handle. Beyond the judgy nuances, it's just not true. Maybe if they had been badly behaved the comment would make more sense, but as I said, they were quiet and reclined and just happy to be at the museum with a granola bar.
Next, it's a cliche and possibly indicates people have never thought much about what they're saying. So that's a good reason to just hold it inside. Anyway, I personally don't really like being addressed by strangers for no reason.
May I suggest everyone consider switching to just a quiet smile (I do like that). Or if you're the type that feels impelled to say things to moms you don't know, how about saying something nice? Here are some great examples:
"So cute!"
"They're having fun!"
"Looking good."
Now, the other side of the issue is when moms actually do have their hands full and may be a bit overwhelmed by children. I still think "you have your hands full" is a stupid thing to say to a stranger in public. Either say nothing, say something kind, or say something complimentary. These are the basic rules of how to be polite.
For example, when my baby was six months old, I carried him through a Buy Buy Baby store in my Boba wrap (hands-free mommy!). I saw a woman pushing newborn twins in a cart. First, I stared at the cute babies, obviously. Later I saw that one was crying pretty hard and the mother was fumbling to prepare him a bottle on the fly. Flustered, she dropped a scoop of formula powder on the floor. Clearly, this was a "you have your hands full" moment.
Personally, I know that bottle-feeding is WAY HARDER than natural feeding. My newborn rarely latched and I spent the first few weeks bottle-feeding him pumped milk around the clock. It was exhausting. I felt so much empathy for this woman that I just had to walk over and say SOMETHING. I said, "Hi, can I give you a hand?" And she said yes. So, there are rare circumstances where offering to help is an appropriate way to interact as well.
As a mom who will probably someday be "one of those" with more children than our culture deems "normal," I'd like us all to move beyond telling women they have their hands full. It's just not very kind. Thank you!
