Since I moved to Colorado (literally, since my first Sunday) I have been attending Mass and falling in love with the Church. I am overwhelmed by beauty, delighted by liturgy, transfixed by sacraments, fascinated by mystery, comforted by orthodoxy. I attended confirmation classes, studied the Cathechism, and did a lot of reading. I talked with a lot of people: the priests, the Catholic friends I met, many friends who aren't Catholic but love me and love church unity, too. And with deeply concerned, disapproving Protestants. I talk with my brother. And I talk with a thoughtful, patient, sincere man named Matthew. But that's another story. This is about how I love the Catholic Church, not just about how I love him.
In my first month in Boulder, I found myself dating a Catholic, and I told him upfront that I would never, ever become Catholic (so deal with it!).
In my third month here I joined RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults, confirmation class), not to join the Church, of course, because I was never going to do that. But just to learn more, meet more people at my new "home church," and have interesting conversations. I also wanted to get the lowdown on why I couldn't take Communion.
By Spring I was pretty distraught over being denied Communion with my community. Every week, every Mass. It gets real old. Except for that, I had decided that the Catholic Church was pretty wonderful, and thought it was too bad that wasn't part of my identity. We are tribal when it comes to religious expression. My people are not high-church people.
Summertime 2012 I decided to rejoin RCIA for my second year in Boulder, and at least pretend that this time I would really go through with confirmation. I secretly thought that probably I would still find some way out, and not have to commit to Catholicism for the rest of my life. I don't know. I balk at the totality of the commitment.
On the second of December 2012, the Church welcomed me in the Rite of Acceptance as a candidate for confirmation, and I am officially on my way to First Communion this Easter. And I'm excited. Deeply. I can't wait.
How did this happen? How do I discern this despite my objections and doubts? What are my reasons?
It has been a long journey. It's convenient to refer to my time studying Catholic art in Spain and cite my Honors Program Thesis: an enthusiastic celebration of the strong tradition of Catholic art, why the Reformers were wrong, and how Protestants need to learn from the Catholic tradition. And it's easy to refer to my pilgrimage to Rome in my third year of college, my unexpected and life-changing encounter with holiness at a candlelight Mass at Trinità dei Monti for Easter Vigil, my joyful Easter at the Vatican, my obsession with Christian art and history. (I mean, I just reread the other blog posts here, and I'm surprised how consistently I was inspired by Catholic Stuff). But the journey has come a long way since then, and my enthusiasm has only grown. Familiarity fostered love.
My doubts are many. I agonize over this, I do.
I'm a bit terrified.
I'm very, very serious. Brow furrowed, nose in books, snapping questions, praying agonized prayers. Absolutely overawed during Mass, holding my breath for reverence. Feeling foreign, feeling alien, feeling disturbed, feeling actual hostility toward some of the things I call "Catholic Crap," feeling clumsy, feeling humbled. Asking myself, will I regret this? to the point of tears. Knowing that I am still so ignorant of what I'm getting myself into.
But I'm also joyful. I am doing this out of love for the Church, passion for orthodoxy and the unity of the Christian church, and an ardent desire to partake in the Eucharist and the other sacraments. Every day confirms in me that I am choosing well, and what I am doing with this decision glorifies God.
I'm not fully committed yet. I still have some months to deal with my doubts and get used to the idea of calling myself a Catholic. The label feels very foreign, very "other." Until then, I'd like to explain further what I've learned, how I've changed certain ideas and practices in myself, how I've not changed, how I still disagree or disapprove of some Catholic stuff, and the details of how I've come to love and defend the Church anyway.
Thank you to every listening heart and every open mind I've encountered along the way. I love you, friends.
Would you like to stay tuned?
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| My favorite day: Easter Vigil at St. Thomas Aquinas University Parish in Boulder. This is my church, this is what I love, and this is where I will take my First Communion, Lord willing, at Easter this year. |
